| Humor
Humor is one of the
greatest gifts we have. It can make even the most difficult of situations a little easier
to bear. Here are some funny bits we like (and some pretty lame ones, too). We hope they
brighten your day.
How many psychologists
does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but the light
bulb really has to want to change.
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A man walks into a
psychologist's office and says, "Doc, I think I'm a pair of curtains." The
psychologist responds, "Pull yourself together, man!"
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How can you tell the
extroverted Finn? He stares at the other person's shoes.
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 Never
pass up the opportunity to go for a joy ride. - Allow the experience of fresh air and
the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.
- When loved ones come home, always run to
greet them.
- When it's in your best interest,
practice obedience.
- Let others know when they have invaded
your territory.
- Take naps and stretch before rising.
- Run, romp, and play daily.
- Eat with gusto and enthusiasm.
- Be loyal.
- Never pretend to be something that
you're not.
- If what you want lies buried, dig until
you find it.
- When someone is having a bad day, be
silent, sit close by, and nuzzle them gently.
- Thrive on attention, and let people
touch you.
- Avoid biting when a simple growl will
do.
- On hot days, drink lots of water and lie
under a shady tree.
- When you're happy, dance around and wag
your entire body.
- Delight in the simple joy of a long
walk.
- No matter how often you're scolded,
don't buy into the guilt thing and pout. Run right back and make friends.
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"Hello, and welcome
to the mental health hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can
trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to
press.
If you are depressed, it doesn't matter which number you press - no one will answer.
If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969.
If you have amnesia press 8 and state your name, address, phone
number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.
If you are manic, please leave a message after the beep. Or before the beep. Or after the
beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to
you."
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Differences Between TV/Movie Psychologists and Real Psychologists
TV/Movie
Psychologists:
Are typically very well dressed and sexually attractive.
Real Psychologists:
Are badly dressed nerds with no taste in clothes, and in any case are too overworked and
worn out to be sexy.
TV/Movie Psychologists:
Have amazing breakthroughs with difficult clients after only a few sessions.
Real Psychologists:
Help difficult clients build a pyramid of insight one tiny grain of sand at a time.
TV/Movie Psychologists:
Frequently use hypnosis to attain past life or childhood regression.
Real Psychologists:
Ask their clients what their childhoods were like.
TV/Movie Psychologists:
Often invite clients over for dinner, visit clients at home, and have lunch with them.
Real Psychologists:
Try to get some kind of lunch between appointments and hope to make it home to see their
family before bedtime.
TV/Movie Psychologists:
Always know the right thing to say.
Real Psychologists:
Frequently sound awkward and confused.
TV/Movie Psychologists:
Often have sex with their clients, or clients' relatives.
Real Psychologists:
Actually live within the rules and, besides, are too tired to have sex with anyone.
TV/Movie Psychologists:
See clients for years and years and years.
Real Psychologists:
Have to fight with the HMOs to get them to pay for 8 visits.
TV/Movie Psychologists:
Often share details of their lives as a way of getting clients to 'open up'.
Real Psychologists:
Have boring lives that no client would want to hear about.
TV/Movie Psychologists:
Drive elegant, expensive sports cars.
Real Psychologists:
Have student loans and house payments, and only get paid about $10/hour after expenses.
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Hell
(This may be just
another "urban myth," but it's funny nonetheless.)
The following is a
question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term:
"Is Hell exothermic [gives off heat] or endothermic [absorbs heat]? Support your
answer with a proof."
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools off when
it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time.
So, we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are
leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not
leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's
look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions
state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are
more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion,
we can project that all people and all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as
they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that
in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has
to expand as souls are added. This gives two possibilities.
(1) If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then
the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
(2) Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell,
then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Therese B. during my
Freshman year that "it will be a cold night in Hell before I sleep with you,"
and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations
with her, then: (2) cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic.
The student got the only A.
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